If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
