Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
