I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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