She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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