My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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