I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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