This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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