Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
