Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am naked and annoyed.
wow bdsm is so cute
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
