that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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