he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Houston, we have a squirter
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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