He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
