I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
