i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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