On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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