Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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