I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
