so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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