So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
