apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i now understand why vodka
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
