I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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