Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
