it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
