Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
