More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
