i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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