between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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