My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
