Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
