I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
