I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
