My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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