my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
