Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
