and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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