My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
