Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
