He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
did i just pee glitter
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
