don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
