I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
