is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
