Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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