Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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