I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
