I'm going to jail i love you
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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