Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
