I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
