Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
