i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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