Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
